A Love Note to Teen Daughters Everywhere

When I tell people that I have a teenage daughter, they act like I have told them about a death in the family. They say “Oh no. I’m so sorry. Are you OK?” They ask how I’m living with someone they imagine to be a hormonal, mean and caddy mini-woman. 

There is this stereotype in Motherhood that “girls are easier when they’re little, then you lose them during the teen years. They will come back to you in their late 20s and you will like each other again.” 

But what if we didn’t need to do any of that? 

What if we never lost our teen daughters at all, and instead, kept them closer to us than ever during a very vulnerable time? 

I’m starting to think that the way we talk about teenage girls needs to be reconfigured because… this situation just isn’t working. By talking negatively about and to our teenage daughters, we are in a vicious cycle. 

Real Talk: What’s Happening to Young Girls During the Teenage Years

Admittedly, the biological and social changes happening to teenage girls are a lot to manage. Physically, they’re probably at the tail end of puberty, maybe starting their period soon. Their brains are also still developing until mid-20s, figuring out how to manage impulses and navigate social dynamics. Add in, social media and the teenage years can create a strong recipe for anxiety, isolation, depression, body image concerns and burn out. 

It’s absolutely a vulnerable time that we should be talking about. But HOW we talk about it and how our kids hear us talking about it, is also important. 

How We Talk about Our Kids Impacts Their Behavior 

We need to start with empathy. If someone described me as “moody and hormonal,” I wouldn’t love it. Our teenage daughters are going through a lot. Those of us that experienced it and are now in adulthood can likely recall a painful or embarrassing moment when our moms publicly talked about our bodily changes, or mood swings or generally wrote off our behavior as “just teenage girl stuff.” No one wants to be spoken about that way. 

I once heard a mom say, “I want my kids to overhear me bragging about them” and I think about this all the time. If we are talking about our teenage daughters being “moody,” what choice do they have but to become MORE moody, probably in reaction to their moms talking negatively about them? 

When it hit me

I realized this when my daughter started saying, “I’m so sorry. Am I being a moody teen?” in response to any negative emotions she expressed. While I had never pronounced an anti-teen girl stance in front of her, she picked up on the social stereotype of teen girls prevalent in media, other mom conversations and who knows where else. I decided we needed to reframe this! 

Reframing the Teenage Years

Instead, let’s think about how challenging this time is for young girls AND how beautiful it is. Yes, hormones and middle school are kind of a nightmare but you also have incredible opportunities to bond with your teen girl, learn more about who she is becoming and what makes her so special. She’s still that little girl that you were obsessed with, I promise!

First, imagine everything you are saying ABOUT your teen daughter is being said in front of her. We need to be our kids’ biggest cheerleaders, not their bullies. Sometimes you need to vent and that’s OK too. I’m not suggesting a toxic, false positivity here but speaking well about your teen daughter behind her back will do wonders for your outlook. 

Second, try to avoid generalizing and dismissing their behavior. If they have a fight with a sibling, we say “you seem hurt, can we talk about it when you’re ready?” instead of “don’t listen to your sister, she’s just being a moody teen.” Teens have valid feelings. They may be amplified or we may not understand but we still need to dive into it.

Third, spend some solo, quality time together. A really cool thing about teenage daughters is that they can do fun woman stuff with you! Get a facial or a pedicure together, try a new restaurant, go to a movie. I took my teen daughter to “Wicked 2” and we had the best time. 

Fourth, include them in your group of adult women. Did your mom ever let you sit with her and her adult women friends and just talk? If so, you know inclusion in adult women circles is an incredible experience for teen girls. They can voice opinions and “try out” what it is to be a woman. They will LOVE this.

If your house is a war zone and you and your teen daughter are on opposite sides, it’s not too late to figure this out. Find some common ground, build bridges, spend quality time together and speak well behind their back. Let your teen girl catch you bragging about her and you will see a huge jump in behavior. 

If you’re not sure where to start, read this article together and discuss it. I know I’ll be sharing with my teen girl! 

If you want to know More about Tara

Tara is a mom of 3 kids - a toddler, a teen and one in between, she is a travel agent and the creator behind Travel Family, sharing family travel tips, food finds, and meaningful adventures around the world.

Follow along at Travel Family, and on her social media

@travel_family_explores

Instagram: @travel_family_explores 

Tiktok: @travel_family_explores